Elderly Painting Contractor Shocked to Find that “50 Shades of Gray” Is Not a Color Documentary

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Little Rock, AR – After the local Blockbuster stopped renting VHS tapes, elderly painter Thomas Jones took to renting DVD’s from Redbox. Last Friday, according to a confidential source, Mr. Jones scanned the available titles, and chose “50 Shades of Gray,” planning to watch it with his wife, Martha.

It wasn’t the date night they had pictured…

“Martha and I had been arguing about whether greige is a real color, and we thought this would settle it,” mused Jones, obviously shaken by the experience. “I was hoping they would feature my favorite shade of gray.”

Martha confided to us in a frail voice, “Tom has always been partial to Ocean Haze, and I love Granite Cliffs, but they never mentioned either color.”

“I can’t believe people watch this trash,” continued Jones. “They never even mentioned that gray isn’t a real color!”

Painting Crew Arrested for Arriving Before 8:00 AM

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Loma Linda, CA – At 7:25 this morning, police responded to a call from a groggy homeowner who claimed that “a bunch of men with weapons” were outside his home. The SWAT team was mobilized and the whole block was cordoned off by police, when a chopper circling overhead discovered the source of the disturbance. It was a painting crew, and their “weapons” were merely paint sprayers. Read More

New Year’s Resolution; a Quick-Fading Paint Line Now on Sale

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Bend, OR – For homeowners determined to make changes in their homes this year, ADC Paints has developed an amazing new line of interior paints. With the promising name of “New-Years Resolution,” these delicately-formulated paints look bright and lively for anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks. Once the Resolution color has faded, the wall will look exactly as it did before you painted it.

One of the most amazing aspects of this product is that it will sporadically reappear throughout the year. For example, it may come back for a week in April, three days in August, and one morning in September.

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Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball

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NEWARK, DE – Researchers at the University of Delaware have recently proven there is an inverse link between skill in painting and skill in paintball. In other words, the better you are at painting, the worse you’ll be at paintball.

One of the subjects in the study, Sam Coney, of Fully Primed Painting, had been expecting different results: “I’m shocked! Truly stunned! Here we are, calling ourselves professional painters… why can’t we ever win a paintball match?”

Carlos Wiseman, lead researcher, outlined for us several of the traits that good painters displayed during paintball matches. “They’re meticulous! I mean, most of them wouldn’t shoot a paintball until they had laid dropcloths over everything!”

Some other observed behaviors included:

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Holiday Light Showdown: Supreme Court Awards Joint Custody to Painters and Landscapers

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Washington, D.C. – The nation’s highest court has finally handed down a verdict in the spectacular Deere v. Moore case. The dispute centers around which type of contractor – landscapers or painters – has the right to install Christmas lights on the nation’s homes.

This high-voltage lawsuit began 5 years ago in suburban Virginia when Fine-N-Dandy Landscaping employees were installing icicle-lights on a two-story colonial brick home outside Alexandria. Halfway through the project, they saw estimators from Fine Coats Painting talking with the neighbors, gesturing towards the roofline.

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Colorado Painter Rolls out Pot-Based Color Palettes

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BOULDER, CO – With the legalization of recreational marijuana, one Boulder painting company is monopolizing on a new color palette. Russ Hopkins has found success in mixing his own paints, using hemp oil as a base. “It’s certainly been a joint effort. I mean, I can’t toke all the credit here.”

Russ spoke about the budding new industry: “They’ve got marijuana everything out here. Cookies, candy bars…even pacifiers.” We fact-checked his last statement. They do not, in fact, have marijuana pacifiers.

pot paint colors

Russ gathers his staff around to discuss the latest colors. “With the older folks, the classics have always been Ganja Green, Bongin’ Blue, and Mellow Yellow. Today, we’re rolling out a new series. We’ve got ‘I’m Going Acoustic,’ ‘Chips, Please’ and ‘This Was a Mistake.’ We think these’ll be a big hit with the younger crowd.”

Staff Painters Kyle and Moon grab three cans of “I’m Going Acoustic” and set out to paint a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment that houses fourteen local grad students.

Russ eyes his new colors with pride. “If things keep growing like this on the painting side of things, I might have to expand into green construction!”

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