Humor

New Year’s Resolution; a Quick-Fading Paint Line Now on Sale

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Bend, OR – For homeowners determined to make changes in their homes this year, ADC Paints has developed an amazing new line of interior paints. With the promising name of “New-Years Resolution,” these delicately-formulated paints look bright and lively for anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks. Once the Resolution color has faded, the wall will look exactly as it did before you painted it.

One of the most amazing aspects of this product is that it will sporadically reappear throughout the year. For example, it may come back for a week in April, three days in August, and one morning in September.

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Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball

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NEWARK, DE – Researchers at the University of Delaware have recently proven there is an inverse link between skill in painting and skill in paintball. In other words, the better you are at painting, the worse you’ll be at paintball.

One of the subjects in the study, Sam Coney, of Fully Primed Painting, had been expecting different results: “I’m shocked! Truly stunned! Here we are, calling ourselves professional painters… why can’t we ever win a paintball match?”

Carlos Wiseman, lead researcher, outlined for us several of the traits that good painters displayed during paintball matches. “They’re meticulous! I mean, most of them wouldn’t shoot a paintball until they had laid dropcloths over everything!”

Some other observed behaviors included:

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Holiday Light Showdown: Supreme Court Awards Joint Custody to Painters and Landscapers

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Washington, D.C. – The nation’s highest court has finally handed down a verdict in the spectacular Deere v. Moore case. The dispute centers around which type of contractor – landscapers or painters – has the right to install Christmas lights on the nation’s homes.

This high-voltage lawsuit began 5 years ago in suburban Virginia when Fine-N-Dandy Landscaping employees were installing icicle-lights on a two-story colonial brick home outside Alexandria. Halfway through the project, they saw estimators from Fine Coats Painting talking with the neighbors, gesturing towards the roofline.

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Colorado Painter Rolls out Pot-Based Color Palettes

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BOULDER, CO – With the legalization of recreational marijuana, one Boulder painting company is monopolizing on a new color palette. Russ Hopkins has found success in mixing his own paints, using hemp oil as a base. “It’s certainly been a joint effort. I mean, I can’t toke all the credit here.”

Russ spoke about the budding new industry: “They’ve got marijuana everything out here. Cookies, candy bars…even pacifiers.” We fact-checked his last statement. They do not, in fact, have marijuana pacifiers.

pot paint colors

Russ gathers his staff around to discuss the latest colors. “With the older folks, the classics have always been Ganja Green, Bongin’ Blue, and Mellow Yellow. Today, we’re rolling out a new series. We’ve got ‘I’m Going Acoustic,’ ‘Chips, Please’ and ‘This Was a Mistake.’ We think these’ll be a big hit with the younger crowd.”

Staff Painters Kyle and Moon grab three cans of “I’m Going Acoustic” and set out to paint a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment that houses fourteen local grad students.

Russ eyes his new colors with pride. “If things keep growing like this on the painting side of things, I might have to expand into green construction!”

Family-Owned Painting Company Adopts New Employees

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DEERFIELD, NH – A small painting company in New England is making a big splash. They’ve been family-owned-and-operated for decades, but the demand for house painting has stretched them thin.

“Our reputation as a family-run business is real important to us. That’s the way we’ve always done things, and we’ll do what it takes to keep it that way.” Read More

Nail Salon Switches to Using Exterior House Paint

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ASHEVILLE, NC – The clients of Nailed It salon have always been delighted with the service they receive. However, owner and beautician Donna Tello knew there was room for improvement. Even though she used the best nail products and application techniques, the lifespan of the manicure could only be measured in weeks. “In rare cases, a client could eek a couple months out of a nail job. We knew we had to find a way to improve these results” said Tello. Read More

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