After receiving his PhD in Arboreal Habitats from a major online university, 31-year-old Asher Flynn of Douglas, OH, was hired by Finishing Touches Painting Company.
“It’s not really what I wanted to do,” Flynn said. “But I figured I could do this to start paying back my loans, you know?”
All seemed to be going well until Flynn received word that he had missed his first day of work, and then his second and third. When a final warning arrived that his job may be terminated, Flynn decided to take action.
“I texted them a thousand times and got frustrated,” Flynn stated while slowly lowering the plunger in a French press full of coffee brewed from ethically-sourced, free-range, grass-fed, good-natured beans. “I mean, why was I getting in trouble? I assumed I could work remotely because of, you know, the environment. Plus,” he added while adjusting the Ray-Ban glasses on his nose, “I can’t be expected to longboard all the way over there every day. That’s not right.”
Doug Fairman, owner of Finishing Touches Painting Company declined an interview but did offer this statement: “We hired Asher Flynn as a full-time painter, offered him a fair wage, and a benefits package in six months. He just never showed up so we assumed he had found another opportunity.”
When asked about his next steps, Flynn seemed unsure as he focused on posting a selfie of himself to Instagram, wearing his painters’ whites, a brush held across his chest, and a fedora he discovered in his parents’ coat closet. He carefully weighed his filter options and chose the hashtag “#workingman.”
He then said, “I just hope they reimburse me for the clothes. Although they are kind of ironic. I might keep them.”