Painting Contractor Crushed by Thousands of Partially-Used Tape Rolls

Posted by | November 13, 2017 | Satire | No Comments

DES MOINES, IA – Emergency crews were summoned to the scene of a tragic accident last Saturday, when Frank VanDosten opened a supply closet in his painting company headquarters. An avalanche of partially-used rolls of painters tape cascaded upon him, trapping the unwitting company owner under its crushing mass.

Excavation equipment was used to dig through the decades worth of partly-consumed adhesives, but by the time they found Mr. VanDosten, it was too late.

Loreta VanDosten, the grieving widow, refused to speak to the press for several days, but yesterday she finally went public with her sorrow. “We knew this was possible… in fact, it was Frank’s recurring nightmare. All those partially-used rolls were piling up somewhere. It was just a matter of time.”

Several of VanDosten’s painters seemed dumbfounded by the event. “It’s such a senseless tragedy,” one bemused employee said. “If only there was some way to prevent this.”

Another painter pulled himself together long enough to reason through the situation: “We have to paint, so we need tape. No painting project ever uses up a roll of tape exactly, so there will always be leftover rolls. And those rolls have to end up somewhere… If only there was some other way!”

At VanDosten’s memorial service, one foreman fondly recalled the late owner’s endearing qualities. “Remember the time he suggested we bring the partially-used rolls to the next job and use them up there?” The gathered mourners erupted into tearful laughter at the recollection. “He was always such a joker!”

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