Joel Poortenga

Elderly Painting Contractor Shocked to Find that “50 Shades of Gray” Is Not a Color Documentary

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Little Rock, AR – After the local Blockbuster stopped renting VHS tapes, elderly painter Thomas Jones took to renting DVD’s from Redbox. Last Friday, according to a confidential source, Mr. Jones scanned the available titles, and chose “50 Shades of Gray,” planning to watch it with his wife, Martha.

It wasn’t the date night they had pictured…

“Martha and I had been arguing about whether greige is a real color, and we thought this would settle it,” mused Jones, obviously shaken by the experience. “I was hoping they would feature my favorite shade of gray.”

Martha confided to us in a frail voice, “Tom has always been partial to Ocean Haze, and I love Granite Cliffs, but they never mentioned either color.”

“I can’t believe people watch this trash,” continued Jones. “They never even mentioned that gray isn’t a real color!”

Painting Crew Arrested for Arriving Before 8:00 AM

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Loma Linda, CA – At 7:25 this morning, police responded to a call from a groggy homeowner who claimed that “a bunch of men with weapons” were outside his home. The SWAT team was mobilized and the whole block was cordoned off by police, when a chopper circling overhead discovered the source of the disturbance. It was a painting crew, and their “weapons” were merely paint sprayers. Read More

New Year’s Resolution; a Quick-Fading Paint Line Now on Sale

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Bend, OR – For homeowners determined to make changes in their homes this year, ADC Paints has developed an amazing new line of interior paints. With the promising name of “New-Years Resolution,” these delicately-formulated paints look bright and lively for anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks. Once the Resolution color has faded, the wall will look exactly as it did before you painted it.

One of the most amazing aspects of this product is that it will sporadically reappear throughout the year. For example, it may come back for a week in April, three days in August, and one morning in September.

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Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball

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NEWARK, DE – Researchers at the University of Delaware have recently proven there is an inverse link between skill in painting and skill in paintball. In other words, the better you are at painting, the worse you’ll be at paintball.

One of the subjects in the study, Sam Coney, of Fully Primed Painting, had been expecting different results: “I’m shocked! Truly stunned! Here we are, calling ourselves professional painters… why can’t we ever win a paintball match?”

Carlos Wiseman, lead researcher, outlined for us several of the traits that good painters displayed during paintball matches. “They’re meticulous! I mean, most of them wouldn’t shoot a paintball until they had laid dropcloths over everything!”

Some other observed behaviors included:

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Holiday Light Showdown: Supreme Court Awards Joint Custody to Painters and Landscapers

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Washington, D.C. – The nation’s highest court has finally handed down a verdict in the spectacular Deere v. Moore case. The dispute centers around which type of contractor – landscapers or painters – has the right to install Christmas lights on the nation’s homes.

This high-voltage lawsuit began 5 years ago in suburban Virginia when Fine-N-Dandy Landscaping employees were installing icicle-lights on a two-story colonial brick home outside Alexandria. Halfway through the project, they saw estimators from Fine Coats Painting talking with the neighbors, gesturing towards the roofline.

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Nail Salon Switches to Using Exterior House Paint

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ASHEVILLE, NC – The clients of Nailed It salon have always been delighted with the service they receive. However, owner and beautician Donna Tello knew there was room for improvement. Even though she used the best nail products and application techniques, the lifespan of the manicure could only be measured in weeks. “In rare cases, a client could eek a couple months out of a nail job. We knew we had to find a way to improve these results” said Tello. Read More

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