Millennial Hipster Surprised to Learn He Can’t Paint Remotely

After receiv­ing his PhD in Arbo­re­al Habi­tats from a major online uni­ver­si­ty, 31-year-old Ash­er Fly­nn of Dou­glas, OH, was hired by Fin­ish­ing Touch­es Paint­ing Company.

“It’s not real­ly what I want­ed to do,” Fly­nn said. ​“But I fig­ured I could do this to start pay­ing back my loans, you know?” 

All seemed to be going well until Fly­nn received word that he had missed his first day of work, and then his sec­ond and third. When a final warn­ing arrived that his job may be ter­mi­nat­ed, Fly­nn decid­ed to take action.

“I texted them a thou­sand times and got frus­trat­ed,” Fly­nn stat­ed while slow­ly low­er­ing the plunger in a French press full of cof­fee brewed from eth­i­cal­ly-sourced, free-range, grass-fed, good-natured beans. ​“I mean, why was I get­ting in trou­ble? I assumed I could work remote­ly because of, you know, the envi­ron­ment. Plus,” he added while adjust­ing the Ray-Ban glass­es on his nose, ​“I can’t be expect­ed to long­board all the way over there every day. That’s not right.”

Doug Fair­man, own­er of Fin­ish­ing Touch­es Paint­ing Com­pa­ny declined an inter­view but did offer this state­ment: ​“We hired Ash­er Fly­nn as a full-time painter, offered him a fair wage, and a ben­e­fits pack­age in six months. He just nev­er showed up so we assumed he had found anoth­er opportunity.”

When asked about his next steps, Fly­nn seemed unsure as he focused on post­ing a self­ie of him­self to Insta­gram, wear­ing his painters’ whites, a brush held across his chest, and a fedo­ra he dis­cov­ered in his par­ents’ coat clos­et. He care­ful­ly weighed his fil­ter options and chose the hash­tag “#work­ing­man.”

He then said, ​“I just hope they reim­burse me for the clothes. Although they are kind of iron­ic. I might keep them.”