Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball


- Attempting to mask their opponents with blue tape before shooting them.
- Consulting their opponents to find out their preferred hues before “adding a pop of color” to their appearance.
- Aiming for the edges of their opponents’ bodies, trying to “cut in” before painting the middle.
- Trying to find “primerballs” to fire before shooting paintballs.
- Cautiously estimating the number of paintballs needed, and then sticking to that budget.
Several painters were also disqualified from the study for pressure-washing their opponents. Meanwhile, the millennial study subjects who dominated every paintball match exhibited very different habits. According to Wiseman, “They showed a remarkable proficiency for multitasking. It was amazing! There was one guy who ran around shooting 200 paintballs a minute at anything that moved, while posting selfies on Instagram and searching for craft breweries in the area. And somehow, he never spilled a drop of his coffee!” At the press briefing, Wiseman concluded, “If I need my house painted, I’m definitely going with a qualified painter. But if we’re ever attacked by paint-allergic zombies, I want one of these kids on my team.”