Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball

Posted by Joel Poortenga | Thu, Dec 21, 2017

 Study Results: Good Painters Are Terrible at Paintball
NEWARK, DE - Researchers at the Uni­ver­si­ty of Delaware have recent­ly proven there is an inverse link between skill in paint­ing and skill in paint­ball. In oth­er words, the bet­ter you are at paint­ing, the worse you’ll be at paint­ball. One of the sub­jects in the study, Sam Coney, of Ful­ly Primed Paint­ing, had been expect­ing dif­fer­ent results: I’m shocked! Tru­ly stunned! Here we are, call­ing our­selves pro­fes­sion­al painters… why can’t we ever win a paint­ball match?” Car­los Wise­man, lead researcher, out­lined for us sev­er­al of the traits that good painters dis­played dur­ing paint­ball match­es. They’re metic­u­lous! I mean, most of them would­n’t shoot a paint­ball until they had laid drop­cloths over every­thing!” Some oth­er observed behav­iors included: 
  • Attempt­ing to mask their oppo­nents with blue tape before shoot­ing them.
  • Con­sult­ing their oppo­nents to find out their pre­ferred hues before adding a pop of col­or” to their appearance.
  • Aim­ing for the edges of their oppo­nents’ bod­ies, try­ing to cut in” before paint­ing the middle.
  • Try­ing to find primer­balls” to fire before shoot­ing paintballs.
  • Cau­tious­ly esti­mat­ing the num­ber of paint­balls need­ed, and then stick­ing to that budget.
Sev­er­al painters were also dis­qual­i­fied from the study for pres­sure-wash­ing their oppo­nents. Mean­while, the mil­len­ni­al study sub­jects who dom­i­nat­ed every paint­ball match exhib­it­ed very dif­fer­ent habits. Accord­ing to Wise­man, They showed a remark­able pro­fi­cien­cy for mul­ti­task­ing. It was amaz­ing! There was one guy who ran around shoot­ing 200 paint­balls a minute at any­thing that moved, while post­ing self­ies on Insta­gram and search­ing for craft brew­eries in the area. And some­how, he nev­er spilled a drop of his cof­fee!” At the press brief­ing, Wise­man con­clud­ed, If I need my house paint­ed, I’m def­i­nite­ly going with a qual­i­fied painter. But if we’re ever attacked by paint-aller­gic zom­bies, I want one of these kids on my team.” 

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