NEWARK, DE – Researchers at the University of Delaware have recently proven there is an inverse link between skill in painting and skill in paintball. In other words, the better you are at painting, the worse you’ll be at paintball.
One of the subjects in the study, Sam Coney, of Fully Primed Painting, had been expecting different results: “I’m shocked! Truly stunned! Here we are, calling ourselves professional painters… why can’t we ever win a paintball match?”
Carlos Wiseman, lead researcher, outlined for us several of the traits that good painters displayed during paintball matches. “They’re meticulous! I mean, most of them wouldn’t shoot a paintball until they had laid dropcloths over everything!”
Some other observed behaviors included:
- Attempting to mask their opponents with blue tape before shooting them.
- Consulting their opponents to find out their preferred hues before “adding a pop of color” to their appearance.
- Aiming for the edges of their opponents’ bodies, trying to “cut in” before painting the middle.
- Trying to find “primerballs” to fire before shooting paintballs.
- Cautiously estimating the number of paintballs needed, and then sticking to that budget.
Several painters were also disqualified from the study for pressure-washing their opponents.
Meanwhile, the millennial study subjects who dominated every paintball match exhibited very different habits. According to Wiseman, “They showed a remarkable proficiency for multitasking. It was amazing! There was one guy who ran around shooting 200 paintballs a minute at anything that moved, while posting selfies on Instagram and searching for craft breweries in the area. And somehow, he never spilled a drop of his coffee!”
At the press briefing, Wiseman concluded, “If I need my house painted, I’m definitely going with a qualified painter. But if we’re ever attacked by paint-allergic zombies, I want one of these kids on my team.”